Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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