You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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