I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
