If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
