If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
