im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
