There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
