the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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