Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
