Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
