i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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