just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
