I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
