you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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