I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
50% drunk capacity currently
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
