I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
