his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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