Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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