nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
