this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
