Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
