Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
