Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
3pm strippers are depressing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
