my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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