I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
