YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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