So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
