so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
