I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
