do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
