the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
