First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
