how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
