If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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