I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
