can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
