I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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