just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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