You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
