she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
