I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
