Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
