a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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