I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
