i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
