Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I will be naked everywhere
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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