I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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