Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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