im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
