the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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