i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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